Berries
A bedtime story. Once upon a time there were two little boys and two little girls. Their mother had asked them to go down the lane to gather berries, for she was going to bake a pie. The two little boys grabbed the pails from their mother and zipped out of the house in a hurry. But the two little girls politely asked their mother for their pails and calmly filed out of the house. The two little boys crashed into the gate by the field and slammed it behind them. But the two little girls carefully opened the gate and gently closed it shut. The two little boys ran and hollered, scaring the birds out of trees as they left. But the two little girls walked carefully, whistling quietly as they went. The two little boys stomped their way through the creek, splashing their pants and getting their shoes wet. But the two little girls tiptoed across the rocks, being sure to keep their shoes and skirts clean and dry. Soon at last they made their way down the path to the berry bushes. The two little boys scrambled from one bush to another, eating and picking the berries. But the two little girls looked over the bushes and patiently gathered the biggest and best berries. The two little boys fought over their pails and tipped them over in their quarrels. But the two little girls worked together, sharing their work and pails. All too soon they heard the dinner bell ring. It was time to leave and go home. The two little boys looked down in dismay at their nearly empty pails. But the two little girls smiled with joy at their overflowing pails. The two little boys sadly and shamefully walked back down the path, their heads hung low. But the two little girls skipped along the path, excited to return home. The two little boys sloshed through the creek, oblivious to the water than ran deep into their shoes. But the two little girls stopped short. With their buckets so full they could not balance their away across the creek. They began to sniffle and soon cry. "How will we bring our bursting pails to mother" they called out? But the two little boys heard them and turned back. What did it matter if they got wet again? The two little boys walked back across the creek and carried the girls' pails across through the creek. But the two little girls balanced their way across, jumping with delight as hopped across the water. The two little boys stopped at the gate and left the pails on the ground. They walked up to the door with sagging shoulders. But the two little girls called out. "Wait just a minute. If it wasn't for you we'd have no nice berries to bring home to mother." The two little girls grabbed their pails, walked up to the two little boys and dumped half of their berries into the boys empty pails, giggling as they poured. But the two little boys looked down in shocked silence. Then two little boys and two little girls bounded up the stairs and knocked proudly on the door. When their mother opened the door, the two little boys and the two little girls lifted their half-filled pails high in their air and called out together, "it's time for pie!" And their mother was so happy, she hugged and kissed them all, and hardly noticed the stains of berries on the two little boys' mouths and hands.
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This year has brought me many surprises and all of them have involved work and toil. This is I am learning a truism in life. Anything worthy requires time and commitment.
First off was our chickens. It sounded simple. Renovate a shed and order some chickens. We've put off the decision year after year but finally bit the bullet. When the chickens showed up a day old I knew the timeline was ticking to get on with the project. Now that we are nearing the end of the project with the coop and run established it's a little easier to look back at it all with perspective. Watching my kids interact with the animals has been a joy, and seeing what it has added into my own life has been rewarding. Has it taken time away from other things, in some ways yes. But the time I spend walking out in our yard, feeding them, locking them in at night and generally enjoying their presence has been surprisingly fulfilling. Is this not also true of our children? Our culture has tried to make our children a commodity, and the problem is when we begin to remove the humanness from our very kids, we lose touch with a part of our own humanity too. Kids take work, and heartache, and an investment that overwhelms us showing us often how incapable we are of being parents. But it is in the midst of this that we also catch a glimpse of other things. Belonging, attachment, security and trust. Raising kids is a blessing because in part it changes who we are and forces us to re-imagine the world we are trying to create to enter into one that is living and breathing. This week we get a puppy. Buckle up and brace yourselves! One of the gifts of having more than one child is that you get to learn there is complexity and variety in human genes. It is amazing how the same two people can produce such distinguishing characteristics in children. Intensity, activity level, sensitivity, regularity, adaptability, mood, persistence, distractability and approach/withdraw are the 9 characteristics that make up our temperaments (GreatSchools Staff, 2018). You see this variety all the time, every day. When your children runs into the bedroom to clean the room and seems to walk out making more of a mess then when they started, you are seeing a sign of their temperament. When your child spends 15 minutes working at opening a package of toilet paper, you are seeing temperament. When your child's tone and voice raises high above the sound barrier because you...(fill in the blank with any number of daily experiences), you are observing temperament. When you ask your child to put on his shoes and you accomplish a dozen things to get yourself out the door and you return and one shoe is on, you are observing temperament.
In all of it, we must remember our children's temperaments are who they are. We cannot change it. What we can do however is help guide and strengthen their awareness of their unique selves. As they (and as we) come to become aware of their temperaments we are likely to have less moments of temper, and more moments in connection with one another. So... when you are at your wits end, and your hair is shredded across the living room floor and THEN you find your child repeatedly dipping toilet paper into the toilet bowl, rolling it into balls and sticking it on top of the counter...remember temperament. References: GreatSchools Staff. (November 25, 2018), Your child's temperament: 9 basic traits to consider. Accessed from www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/temperament-traits/. It has been said before that potting training tales are not for the faint of heart. In truth, parenting in all its entirety is not for the faint of heart.
I like how Jennifer Isenman put it in her blog titled "The Side Effects of Having Kids (Please read before reproducing) (Isenman, 2014). To summarize her comments, children may cause... -Memory loss -Panic Attacks -Restlessness -Weight Gain -Sleeplessness -Irritability -Confusion -Dizziness -Sexual dysfunction -Shortness of breath -Numbness and cramping -Brain fog And this is often all in the first few years never mind the teenage years or subsequent kids! To put it mildly, parenting stresses you out!!! According to an online survey by the American Psychological Association (APA), 73 percent of parents report family responsibilities as a significant source of stress and while over two-thirds of parents think their stress level has slight to no impact on their child’s stress level, only 14 percent of tweens and teens reported that they are not bothered when their parent is stressed (APA, 2010)." In the class that I am continuing with this semester titled "Teaching and Learning" I have been given the opportunity to facilitate a 20-25 minute class at our local Early Childhood Family Education center. The class is titled "A Date with Dad" and is focused for fathers and their kids. In discussing the lesson with the family educator we mutually agreed that doing a lesson on stress would be beneficial. This is good, because honestly, I get stressed out! Why not teach myself. Given the demands of a normal day, how can we not avoid to feel stress upon ourselves? Stress comes in so many forms, and often times I have found it is the underlying hidden challenges I am facing that ultimately are producing in me the external reactions that manifest themselves as stress. Feeling tense, restless, irritable, or impatient with my kids may seem to have everything to do with the fact that they continue to jump on the coffee table with underwear on their head, but deeply it is a hard conversation I had at work with a community member, or fear about the remaining propane in our tank that is driving those responses. Stress will always be present, but our response to it is largely directed by the strategies and resources we have in play to mitigate them. When stress is left untouched, it compounds and builds and over time that generation escalates until the real symptoms are hidden deep under the tip of the iceberg. I am hoping through my class, and in subsequent weeks to begin to focus on some of the strategies I have identified that can be helpful to manage the stress currently placed upon me. Some of these include: -Disconnecting from technology, especially work related projects and emails, and other forms of media that simply crowd my mind from being at rest -Balancing schedules to ensure my days are not overloaded. Say no to commitments, even when they are good. -Sleep at least 8 hours a night. This means my homework assignments and free time are done by 9:30 pm, knowing it will take at least 30-45 minutes to settle my mind and body to sleep. 10:30-6:30 would give the needed 8 hours. Of course some days getting 6-7 is fine, but the more 8's I can manage the better I will feel. -Negative-talk gets me no where. Motivate myself with positive thinking. If I cannot change it, don't dwell on it. -Self-time is important too. Find time for the things that are important to rejuvenate my spirit and soul. Writing, skiing, hiking, reading (for fun). -Nourish yourself with good, healthy food. Thankfully I married Sarah! Cod liver oil, soaked grains, fruits and veggies are IN. -Express your feelings, emotions and concerns with caring people. Don't let it sink inside and go undisturbed. -Connect with loved ones. Set a time for that date night, enjoy a board game with the kids. These are all helpful strategies and sprinkling them throughout our days and weeks I believe would help me for sure become a more balanced, patient and resourceful parent to the kids I want to cherish and love. What about you? What do you do to manage the compounding stress parenting brings? Which of these strategies are you in most need to implement in your life this month? References: American Psychological Association (2010). Managing stress for a healthy family. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/managing-stress.aspx Isenman, Jenny (2014, March). The side effects of having kids (please read before reproducing). Retrieved from thestir.cafemom.com/being_a_mom/170356/the_side_effects_of_having O’Malley, Sheila [Practical Parenting]. (2015, June, 30). Coping with stress for parents [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLR58GQVzg4 In my most recent assignment I was asked to develop a curricular program to serve an intended audience. As a male myself, I chose to focus my program on working and designing classes for fathers. However I broke away from the traditional parenting education classroom and designed a 6 week program that combined parent-child nature-study activities, outdoor cooking and discussion time for fathers around a campfire. As part of the development of the lesson plans we needed to develop a handout that would be used to communicate some of the components of the topic. This was what I created using research gathered by William Doherty and the Search Instititute (full reference list below). References
Doherty, William J., 2008, Overscheduled Kids, Underconnected Families: The Research Evidence Pekel, K., Roehlkepartain, E.C., Syversten, A.K., and Scales, P.C. (2015), Don’t forget the families: The missing pieces in America’s efforts to help all children succeed (summary of key findings), Minneapolis, MN: Search Institute, Retrieved from https://www.search-institute.org/downloadable/SearchInstitute-DontForgetFamilies-Summary-10-13-2015.pdf Whoever said opposites attract certainly didn't raise kids! It is amazing how many times in the course of a day I find myself gritting my teeth because one of my kids (who will remain nameless) does something so out of my comprehension. It is not that this child is just young - it is that their entire mindset, approach, and way of doing things runs so completely in opposition to myself that it is inevitable that conflict arises!
One of these areas lately has been in my pursuit of moderation. We live in a culture of excess and I have been deliberately trying to teach and convey to my children that just because there IS more doesn't give us a right to pursue more. If we live and have ENOUGH then we can be satisfied. But how does one really teach contentment? What does it take to form a heart that bears responsibility for the things of life when everywhere around you our culture screams MORE. This is one of the reasons why I enjoy canning so much. While we are a long ways away from achieving self sufficiency in the complete year round sense there is a different mindset that can be developed when you see your food put away for the winter. You rely on what you grow and you see day by day, week by week the emptying of your cellar. Meanwhile at lunch, I cringe at the sight of 1/2 cup of ranch dressing being poured alongside a few carrot sticks. It's a work in progress... How do you teach contentment? What are the dangers of living in a culture of excess? What are the benefits? How do these influences affect the way we approach our children? Our homes? Our marriages? For a more expanded look into this topic check out Jean Illsey Clarke's book - How Much is Enough:Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children. See https://www.amazon.com/How-Much-Enough-Overindulgence-Responsible/dp/1569244375 |
AuthorJeremy David Freeman lives in Minnesota with his wife Sarah. They have six kids (Adelynn, Peter, Benjamin, Paul, Mark and Samuel) and together enjoy the simple things of life: gardening, writing, sewing, baking and woodworking. Archives
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